"Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare."
~Ed Asner

Sunday, November 07, 2010


There is this 'tradition' called No-Shave-November.  Maybe you've heard of it?  I would say it's not so much a tradition as much as it's a bet or competition.  Who can go the longest without shaving.  Who can grow the longest, fullest beard.  Who can turn their facial hair into a masterpiece of artwork.  If that was the case, my brother Josh would win hands down for the longest beard.  He can grow a full on beard in like a week.  When I first moved to the East Side, I lived with Josh and my sister-in-law Darla for awhile.  One morning, or maybe it was the middle of the day, Josh came down the stairs, after just waking up, looking like a homicidal maniac with his tore up shirt, flannel pants, and crazy, long mountain man beard.  I've heard that small animals have nested into his beard and never came out.  But that's just an urban legend.

Some guys like to look at No-Shave-November as a month of celebrating masculinity or that it is supposed to be some sort of male bonding experience.  

"Dude, yesterday I ate the best nachos I've ever had."

"Oh, yah man.  There's still some in your beard."

"Far out.  Dude, you should totally try some."

"Rock on, these nachos are awesome." 

I don't know how women feel about their men not shaving.  I'm sure it varies.  Of course, if your man is already a grizzly bear and not a sea lion then this 'event' doesn't really apply to you.  For some women, it's the opposite and you may feel the way he does when you decide to chop your hair and die it bright red.  Who is this person?  I don't even know you.  It's just too much for some to handle.  Men either deal with the consequences or they cave and shave.  To be perfectly honest, I really don't care if Kris shaves or not.  I think he looks like a thug bodyguard cute boy whether he has a beard or not.  Except there's one problem.

For the most part, I have good skin.  I've never had any major acne problems or some other skin condition that is hard to treat and could make me feel self conscious.  I do, however, have extremely sensitive skin, which means I have to really take care of it.  I have to be careful about what products I use from perfume and body wash to laundry detergent and cleaning products.  My face regularly breaks out in hives during allergy season and sometimes just because it feels like it.  This all may sound horrible and annoying, but as long as I'm careful, it's not too much of a bother.  What does this have to do with No-Shave-November?  Well, Kris's facial hair and my face do not get along.  If Kris has any kind of stubble on his face, my skin gets all red and patchy.  It hurts like someone just took a dull razor blade to it.  Even if Kris grows a beard out long enough, it's still rough.  He just has rough hair.  The only thing that doesn't bother me too much is his small, soul patch.  But even that can cause me to look like I've been making out with a pine tree all day.  And just to be clear, although I have no problem with make out sessions, the reaction I'm talking about is from a long kiss or nuzzling.  The bottom line is that my face wouldn't live through No-Shave-November.  In fact, my face lasted less than a week.   

Exhibit A

Now here this.  Even though it looks like I bit a cactus, I'm a confident enough woman to show you this picture.  Not really.  I just want to provide evidence in my stand against No-Shave-November.  This is what happened after Kris went a few days without shaving.  It was just a kiss.  Not too short, and not too long.  My face, rather my chin, freaked out on me.  This picture was taken two days after contact and even though there was much improvement, it was still raw and it hurt. 

So what could I do?  Kris was so excited about not shaving as if he was imagining some kind of Christmas light show he could incorporate into his beard; or maybe he wanted to turn it into a Christmas tree.  I don't know.  I could try to counter by saying that I would participate in No-Shave-November as well.  But it simply wouldn't be effective thanks to my freakishly, hairless legs.  Some people call it a blessing, but it can be a curse.  I have very fine hair, and only in a few sporadic patches on my legs up to my knees.  I do have to shave, but only every few months or so.  That's just long enough for me to forget how to use a razor and maim myself every single time.  For real, if you've ever nicked yourself, you know what I'm talking about.  I don't just nick myself.  I carve out a slice for later.  I pretty much just try to avoid the whole thing all together and stick with Nair or something like that when I need it.  Kris could really care less anyway, so telling him that I wouldn't shave wouldn't deter him from his 'tradition'.  

I decided on this approach.  I told him that No-Shave-November would also mean No-Kiss-November.  Harsh?  People, I call your attention again to exhibit A.  That was after one kiss.  If he went a whole month without shaving, I wouldn't have a face left.  His kisses would be torturous.  I would probably need reconstructive surgery.  Okay, possibly a little dramatic. maybe. only slightly. and I like my face.  Plus, Kris totally had no problem shaving.

After less than a week into No-Shave-November, Kris has thrown in the towel.  His face is baby soft again, just the way I like it.   


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