"Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare."
~Ed Asner

Thursday, September 02, 2010

How You Doin'

I took Izzie and Noah to Walmart last night to get Izzie's school supplies.  I don't go to Walmart very often, but it was the cheapest place for school supplies.  It was a mad house.  Every aisle and checkout lane was crammed with people and carts.  Izzie was so excited and Noah was crabby.  I felt bad for Izzie because I wanted her to enjoy every part of getting ready for preschool.  We got everything we needed and headed to the checkout lanes.  There were three lanes open and a long line for each one.  I settled in for a wait.  Two black guys got in line behind me.  One of them started talking to me.  This is the thing.  Unless someone is accosting me or being rude and vulgar, I'll be nice...most of the time.  I guess I was feeling generous  because I didn't tell him to back off and leave me alone.

Ray:  Hi.  How are you doing?

Me:  I'm good. 

Noah:  HI!

Ray:  Are these your kids?  (I know it's a conversation starter and lots of people watch other people's kids but really?  That's the first question people always ask me.  No, the children hanging from my cart are not mine.  I picked them up in aisle 8 next to the car air fresheners and across from the pet supplies.  I know I don't look too young to have children and really your first clue should be that the little boy sitting in the front of the cart is yelling, "Momma!")

Me:  Yes, they're mine.

Ray:  Cool.  You alone?

Me:  Clearly not

Ray:  No, I mean you got a man?

Me:  Sure do (Gesture made towards diamond ring on my finger)

Ray:  You're married?  Aw, that's cool.  I'm down with married women.

Noah:  HI!

Ray:  I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.  What's your name?

Me:  Amie.  What's your name?

Ray:  My name's Ray, baby.

Me:  I'm not your baby.

Ray:  Oh, I'm sorry...didn't mean to offend.

Ray:  What are you getting into tonight?

Me:  What?

Ray:  What are you getting into tonight?

Me:  Excuse me?

Ray:  What are you getting into tonight?  (The reason I couldn't understand what he was asking me was because a. I had yapping children in my ear, b. There were people yelling all around us as we were waiting in one of three checkout lanes open, and c.  Ray didn't exactly speak in a way you could understand easily.)

Me:  Not much

Ray:  Just chillin' with your babies?

Me:  Yep

At this point the guy in front of me told me I could go ahead of him because his wife had to go get something and she hadn't come back yet so I went around him and so did Ray and his buddy.  I was talking to Izzie and putting stuff on the belt when...

Ray:  Can I ask you something?  Can I put your number in my phone and give you a call sometime.

Me:  No

Ray:  Please?

Me:  Are you for real?  I'm not giving you my number.  And then just to show you what a white girl I am, I added a bit sarcastically and enthusiastically, But thanks for asking.
 
Ray:  Why won't you give me your number?

Me:  Are you kidding me?  I'm too old for you anyway.

Ray:  I'm twenty three.  (Yah, okay, more like 18 maybe 21)

Me:  I'm almost thirty. 

Ray:  Girl, you don't look that old.  You look way younger than that.

At this point  Ray's buddy, who hadn't said a word the whole time, said, I'm twenty one.

Me:  Good for you.

I started putting my purchases in the cart and paid for them.  Ray, who was still standing next to me, was trying to get another girl's attention one checkout lane over.  The girl and her friend were not amused.  Ray walked over to them and the girl said, "Will you please leave me alone!"  

I guess that would have worked too.

So let's review 'Picking Up Women For Dummies.'

Rule #48:  Do not go to Walmart to get beer and try to pick up women in the checkout lane, especially married woman with children.

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